just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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