Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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