Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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