A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
