I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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