We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
