my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
