My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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