I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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