She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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