"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have demons in me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
