im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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