Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
