i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
