Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
