I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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