Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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