I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
