I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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