Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
