I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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