now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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