I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
