hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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