I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
