I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
