I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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