i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
