hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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