Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
