My friends, they love my intelligence
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
