go do what you do best...puke behind churches
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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