Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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