seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize