i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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