i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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