i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
