The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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