Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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