We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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