No awkward lesbian experiences without me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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