So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
