Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
