I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
