Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize