I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
