Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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