i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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