I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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