I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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