he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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