It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
