so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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