I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
