I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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