My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize