a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
