So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
