you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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