I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize