We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
