I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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