i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
