i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize