So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Randomize
